Meet the Candidates

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Literal Demographs

Niles Kress. Your Mayor, for seven glorious years now. A strong and stable leader, Niles has proven himself time and time again to be the right choice for our city. Spearheading initiatives such as the redevelopment of Stratford, or bringing the hugely successful Rand casino to town. Not to mention single-handledly restoring Christmas to glory last year after Ebenezer Scrooge paid him to cancel it.

So what if he knocks down some tower blocks or shuts down the Tube? What Niles Kress does, he does for London. Our mayor has the best interests for this city at heart, and is the only viable candidate to continue spending your tax money.

Vote Kress.

Party Policies

  • Lower the minimum wage
  • Abolish all tax that does not fund the government
  • Implement any laws you like (as long as you pay)
  • Close down all London train stations due to high maintenance costs
  • Replace St. Paul's Cathedral with St. Paul's Casino

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Independent

Once a man with a heart of ice, Ebenezer Scrooge has come to see the beauty in our fair city. He, of all people, knows the ineptitude and fallibility of Mayor Kress first hand, and knows that the only way to allow London to flourish is to get the Mayor out of office.

Scrooge can bring Christmas joy to our city all year round, and will venture to revert all of Kress's wrongdoings - just as he has made amends for his own.

Party Policies

  • Start an inquiry into the failures of our current government
  • Re-invigorate the transport system in London
  • Redevelop the South East following Kress's latest blunder
  • Invest more funding into London's schools
  • Bring Victorian clothing back into style

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Conservatories

Oh hello there dearies, thanks your reading about the Conservatory party here on your e-Internet website. Our leader, Doris Thompson, is the loveliest leader in this entire election. She bakes the most scrumptious out of all the Conservatories, which is why she is representing us on the city stage.

As runner up in the DWO Bake-Off 2014, Doris is committed to bringing the joys of baking and caking to all. We will implement an age of spending austerity, and redirect those wasted funds into baking lovely free cakes for all London citizens!

Party Policies

  • Bring a new Doris Bus scheme to London
  • Fund cake-themed events all the way to 2024
  • All new build houses will have a conservatory for tea and cake consumption
  • Rebuild the Tower of London out of fondant

THIS PARTY HAS BOWED OUT OF THE RACE

Unfortunately, party candidate Doris Thompson has been hurriedly taken into hospital following an incident on live television on Friday morning. The Conservatories have decided that in the interests of Doris health, they have bowed out of the competition to ensure she makes a full recovery.

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SDIP

Human man Dave Ross has complete loyalty and total dedication to the cause of the human people. The Skaro Degredation Independence Party vows to avenge the annihilation of the human tower dwelling with a retaliation so massive, so merciless, that it will live in history. No price is too great to pay for peace.

Observe the election closely, my friend. This will be a moment that will live in history. Absolute priority is to be given to the supremacy of the SDIP party. Nothing, absolutely nothing, must delay this glorious victory!

Party Policies

  • Cancel all community events
  • Make London independent from the rest of the UK
  • Renovate the destroyed Powell Estate into a brand new state of the art nuclear research station
  • THE DESTRUCTION OF REALITY ITSELF
  • More weekend bin collections

THIS PARTY HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED

Mr Ross is now in custody following the discovery on Question Time that he and his party had been stashing rigged votes inside locked Ballot Boxes at polling stations around the city. Please contact your local police station if you or anyone you know may have been affected by this issue.

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Eco Party

An Australian native, Andrea Walker knows all too well the beauty and importance of nature. Living in London has given her a new perspective on how we've treated our world, and a strong aspiration to save it. The Eco Party campaigns to remove all that is pollutant and harmful from our world, and to bring new cleaner ways of powering our modern life.

The Eco Party does not believe in traditional voting on paper, which is harmful to nature and our local forests. Instead, the Eco Party have requested you vote for them by planting a tree. Please be aware, this will not count as a legitimate vote.

Party Policies

  • Ban all petrol and diesel cars, and boost public transport
  • Ban unnecessary plastic bags
  • Extra taxes for anyone who doesn't recycle
  • Introduce a new perpetual motion engine for cleaner, greener energy
  • Turn at least 60% of London back into woodland

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The FUN Party

Wa-hey! Brian Reynolds just loves elections, and here's here to say don't be dumb, vote for FUN!! It's time to prove that boring old government stuff doesn't have to only be for wet blankets, and that we can have cool FUN stuff if you vote in a cool FUN Mayor!!

Bri and the FUN Party aren't here to yap about taxes or bore you with budgets, cause we wanna make this a rad London where there's no rules!

Haha, okay - some rules, like everyone has to have FUN at all times! Plus, more holidays and Hawaiian shirts only and dunking policitians in gunge and only cartoon movies allowed and banning sadness and a theme park and anything else FUN you want!!!

Party Policies

  • Mandatory rad bouncy castles
  • Make Christmas holidays start in October
  • Make Christmas holidays end in October
  • Make everyone Member for ultimate fairness

THIS PARTY HAS RESIGNED

Following an appearance on the Talk With Thorpe television show, Brian has realised that running for Mayor actually isn't very fun at all, and withdrawn from the competition.

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The Lazy Party

The Lazy Party have as of yet failed to submit a candidate.

Party Policies

  • note: remember to send policies